I began this with a list originally forwarded by a hockey Dad from the Devil’s team who received it in an email from yet another hockey Dad. We joked over a couple of beers we were enjoying while our daughters were working hard at practice. Several of the Ifs hit really close to home. I’ve added a few of my own and welcome any others you can think of. If you’ve done any, or like me, many of these……youuuuuu just might be a hockey parent (with deference to Jeff Foxworthy and his little Redneck thing).
If you base the next purchase of a vehicle on how many kids, sticks and hockey bags it will hold.
If you know the location of every Tim Horton’s within a 400 kilometre radius.
If you give directions to places relative to the closest arenas.
If you’ve quoted Don Cherry, Wayne Gretzky, Gordie Howe or lines from the movie Slap Shot in conversations with your kids.
If you know the name of every single kid on every single team your kids have every played on……. but don’t have a clue who their school mates are.
If you’ve lost your voice at a weekend tournament.
If the smell of a locker room or unwashed hockey gear doesn’t make you nauseous or if, in truth, you actually enjoy it.
If you feel lost when you have a hockey free weekend.
If your spouse waits until you decide where to sit and then chooses a spot on the opposite side of the arena.
If you know at least three rink rats on a first-name basis.
If you can justify complaining about someone who donates hundreds of hours of volunteer time to your son or daughter.
If you ground your kids for a week when they misbehave (except for hockey practice).
If you’ve had to replace panels or your entire garage door after several pucks were shot at or through them.
If you’ve rationalized spending $250 on a Synergy for a 9 year old, but won’t spend $5 on a birthday card for your wife.
If when someone asks how old your children are you respond, “I have a ’95 and a ’97.”
If practices are a major part of your social life.
If you buy gloves according to how loud you can clap in them.
If you don’t mind the giant dead spot in your backyard where the rink used to be.
If you find yourself missing the parents of your kids’ teammates during the off-season.
If you rank arenas based on the quality of their french fries.
If you refuse to make any plans with your friends until you check your kids’ hockey schedules.
If you open a credit line to pay for all the registration fees, equipment and travelling expenses.
If you’ve ever leaned to the left or the right to psycho-kinetically attempt to help your did avoid a hit or guide a puck into a net from 150 feet away.
If all of your computer passwords begin with “hockey” or contain your child’s jersey number.
If your wedding anniversary celebration has included a watching a game or practice followed by a trip to McDonalds or some wing joint.
If you have been barred from more than one rink on more than one occasion for bad behaviour.
If you’ve purchased a new $200 stick because old one “didn’t have any goals left in it.”
If you know a few 5 year olds who are good, but “lack focus.”
If your kids have asked if Christmas is “Home or Away” this season.
If you’ve sat up all night with pre-game jitters in anticipation of a game you aren’t even playing in.
You juussst might be a hockey parent.
I’d love to see this list grow so let me know what you can add in the Comments below.